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Mother, writer and daydreamer. Also chocoholic and chick-flick lover. But mainly mommy. To two boys, at that! When not escorting my Elder One (EO) to karate class, I'm trying to get in as many cuddles as possible from my Younger One (YO). And when not doing either, I'm hard-at-work trying to maintain a steady relationship with my laptop. And as for the Man I Married (MIM), well, let’s just put it this way – even though we share a bedroom, our most meaningful conversations are held over the cell-phone!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Still Depressed...

So why did I slap my beloved five-year-old? Because he's forgotten how to add and spell 'number-words'. Cruel, cruel beyotch of a Mamma am I.

I should never have sat down with him yesterday to "see how he's doing and what he's up to", just out of the blue, and that too when I was already so cranky and irritable from the illness. Needless to say, he mucked up, I shouted, that flustered him even more and he messed up even more and I just slapped the boy silly and told him I'm going to throw all his toys and precious movies into a big bonfire. And when the YO came running to his defence, beyotch that I am, I yelled him into a shocked and stupefied silence.

I have been hating myself since the incident. Yes I'm sick. But instead of turning on my babies, I should have locked myself in the room, banged my head against the wall to get the pounding in m head to stop and knocked myself out cold.

And what happens? After the EO comes back from karate class, he wraps himself all over me and says "I love you my Mamma" about a zillion times and the YO has only hugs, giggles and smiles for me.

How easy it is for them to forgive and forget. They don't know what it is to hold grudges...why can't we take a leaf from their books?

My tears of guilt, shame and remorse have made a mighty river, yet I still don't feel calm.

You all hate me now, don't you? I don't blame you...I hate me too.


wordjunkie said...

Hey, we've all been that beyotch. And our kids really rub it in by loving us anyway, don't they? Cheer up,and hope you're better soon.

Goofy Mumma said...

Hey, I know exactly what you feel. Sometimes things just get so out of control,and I get so impatient , that I yell or hit too, and I just hate myself for it. Don't worry,you will get over it, the big thing is that you realise that there is something wrong with your actions. the sad bit is when people don't even realise that much. Its ok, if they have forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself too. LOTS of tight hugs from a mother sailing in the same boat.

How do we know said...

my dear.. motherhood is a journey with lots of such ups and downs.. in time, you will learn to enjoy each one of them..that you do not want any more of them to happen is a good thing in itself.. how many mothers even *think* about what has made u so miserable?

Be with the kids on this one.. forget and get it over with.. :-)

Mama - Mia said...

oh gee! its okie! the way kids forgive and forget they do it for themsleves too!

so learnt that leaf right now and just smile!!

i doubt there has ever been a parent who hasnt got mad enough and we for sure dont hae our parents for that! :D



dipali said...

Big hugs, dear, and get well soon, and stop beating yourself up. This does happen, it's perfectly normal and natural and nothing to remain upset about. Move on:)

pseudo intellectual said...

dont be so hard on yourself m4. sometimes things do get out of control and we all do things we regret later. tomo's a brand new day, a fresh start!
love and luck :)

Mystic Margarita said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes our impatience gets the better of us, but the pain you feel now is punishment enough. It will make you more patient in the future. Hugs.

maidinmalaysia said...

is that all... don't thwack yourself up for THAT!

methinks, sums are the real culprit in this story,

basic mathematics is BEYOND my head-scratching ways... (and i am thirty years old, btw)

let your son take his time to get the hang of addition... what IS the hurry, M4.

Rohini said...

Been there. Done that. I think it's great you shared because it makes the rest of us in the same boat feel reassured that we are not some unnatural monsters. We lose our tempers. It happens

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

You guys just made me realise once again, why i love blogging so much! Bless you all and thanks for reminding me that I am not alone.

and @ maidinmalaysia: I am so with you on the maths thing...I'm a certified 0.5 where numbers are concerned and if I had my way no child need be put through the torture that is mathematics. Unfortunately, in that school of his, they've not only started addition, but are on their way to getting through subtraction too!! HELP!!!!

Monika,Ansh said...

Hey we all have been there, right? We are humans after all. We can't be angels all the time. & we love our kids beyond words. So it's ok when we do lose it sometimes. U see in the process we hurt ourselves more.