Seems like I'm not the only one 'brooding' and 'upset' (for lack of much better words...and also, am too tired to think of any) about my cherubs growing up.
Around five or six days ago, my EO suddenly told me, totally out of the blue, that he wanted another baby brother or sister. I laughed it off and thought that it was just one of those darndest things that kids say.
A day later, he very seriously told me that he didn't want his baby brother to grow up any more because he wouldn't be cute anymore. He even mentioned something about not wanting his brother to have a beard when he'd be older and that only would have one. He then went to the YO, took his face in his hands and told me, while looking intently into this little brother's face, "Oor ei sweet mukhtaa change hoye jaabey." (This sweet face of his will change). I smiled it off as content for a blog post.
But, he said this again. And again.
And suddenly today, he dissolved into a pool of tears and held on to me while sobbing his little heart out, "Oor mukhtaa aar mishti thaakbey naa! Change hoyey jaabey! Change hoyey jaabey!" (His face won't stay sweet! It'll change! It'll change!)
And for an entire half-an hour, my little boy sobbed. Another fear of his came tumbling out. That of me, his Mamma, growing old and dying. I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't old yet. But he wouldn't be consoled. Especially about his little brother growing up.
I held him close to my heart and tried talking to him, reasoning with him, putting things in a different perspective. For example, I said, "You're a big boy of five now and you haven't changed. Your face is still sweet." He replied that his face had changed. That he didn't look the same anymore.
He looked at me and heart-brokenly asked me that if his little brother were to grow up, how would he ever see that sweet face of his again? I told him by looking through snaps and watching videos. That wasn't good enough for him. "Those aren't real!", he sobbed.
And I let him. Maybe he needed to have a cry. Maybe he needed to be held by me. I've been so busy with this project of mine that I haven't really been available to him these last few days. I know he was 'missing' me. For even though I was at home, in front of their eyes all the time, I was never really 'with' them. I was too bloody wrapped up in my work.
But that particular job is finally over as of last night. And I've learnt my lesson. I can't afford to take projects like this anymore in the future which will keep me away from my two most precious creatures. They are why I never went back to my job in the first place. They are why I said 'Goodbye' to the corporate world, which I loved being a part of by the way, when I got pregnant. They are the reason I want to stay at home. But what's the point in my being home if I'm not really there. That's not really 'being' at home for them.
I keep talking about how sensitive my EO is. About how much I worry about him. It's a harsh, cruel world and it's going to break his heart over and over again. What do I do? How can I stand by and just watch it happen?
I don't know what to do.
Except to let him know that I am there. To stand by him. To hold him.
Right now, all I can do, is hold his little body, cradle it in in my arm and let him have a good cry.
Right now, I am smeared in baby boy love and tears.
Right now, I change myself to be a balm to his pain.
Right now, I allow myself to wonder at a sensitivity so pure and beautiful that it leaves me breathless every time.
Right now, I wonder if his EQ is far beyond his years.
Right now, I just pour all my love into this hug and let it flow from my very insides so that it can envelop him and leave him in no doubt about my emotions, my intensity.
Right now, I just squeeze him a little harder and love him a little bit more.
I'll deal with my aching heart later.