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Mother, writer and daydreamer. Also chocoholic and chick-flick lover. But mainly mommy. To two boys, at that! When not escorting my Elder One (EO) to karate class, I'm trying to get in as many cuddles as possible from my Younger One (YO). And when not doing either, I'm hard-at-work trying to maintain a steady relationship with my laptop. And as for the Man I Married (MIM), well, let’s just put it this way – even though we share a bedroom, our most meaningful conversations are held over the cell-phone!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Greedy Glutton Am I

I often crave a third child. Very often. Sometimes it's just a nice, pleasant fantasy that finds expression in a silly smile and a far-away look in my eyes. And at other times, it's a burning hunger that eats away at me in tiny bits and bites.

And it's not just because I so desperately want a girl. Yes, there is that. There's always that. But it's more because my little ones are growing into big ones. They're still innocent and adorable, but for how much longer?

How much longer can I shield them before the 'Real World ' treads upon their space and sucks them in? How much longer will that lovely laughter, that rings pure and free and unbridled; that's music to my soul; that makes me misty-eyed whenever I hear it; how much longer before it turns into controlled haha's? How much longer before the innocence that makes their perfect faces bloom with beauty and purity, fades, leaving behind imprints of street-smart, worldly-wise looks of "I-know-it-and-suffer-it-all"?

My EO's sensitivity fills my heart with a love so fierce, I can physically feel it, and it hurts. It feels like Shah Rukh Khan knocking the wind out of Saif Ali Khan's sails. And the YO's absolute joie de vivre has my heart bursting with joy like a display of fireworks in the 4th of July sky. The intensity of my love flares up, brightens, making me exclaim out loud in wonder. And then, just as suddenly my love and joy vanish, leaving me sad and a little "So that's it?" Because all this awe and marvelling, suddenly turn to fear as I am faced with the prospect of losing the brightness and beauty of my sons' childhoods.

I watch them take their steps towards tomorrow with pride. But there's so much sadness in that pride as well. It's such a delight watching them grow, but why the f*** is it so bloody hard as well? They're so eager to grow big and leave their toddlerhood and childhood behind. But I'm not. And, answer me this...will I ever be?

I want a third child because I am greedy. I want my life to be surrounded by innocence, purity, beauty and joy. And nothing embodies all these qualities more exquisitely than a child. Well, there's music, but that's a distant second (and this is an absolute music-buff who's saying so). But a baby, a toddler, a child...oh! Just thinking about one sends tingles of delight and happiness all over my body.

And there you have it. The honest truth. I want another baby. For selfish reasons. I want another baby because I hate that my babies are babies no more. I want another baby because I need to fill the gaps and missing spaces. I want another baby because I don't want the delights to ever end. I want another baby because I'm not ready to start missing their countless "I love you's" and sloppy kisses and no-reason-at-all-but-just-like-that hugs that come in a never-ending supply. I want another baby BECAUSE I simply do.

So excuse me folks, while I try to convince my husband to knock me up once again...

Or maybe it's just time I started taking piano lessons.

8 comments:

Goofy Mumma said...

What a beautiful post. I completely understand your feelings, while we our children to grow, a part of us so wishes they'd remain babies all their lives, just so we could love them as babies, and enjoy that. All teh best with sorting it out, and deciding on what you will do.

mister avant garde said...

now i know why peter pan never wanted to attain puberty his whole life! for the very same reason i wish i was still in school, having to worry only about my home works and from which teacher my next scolding would come from. sigh! i only wish i could go back to being young and only 'young', again.

btw, i m a regular reader of ur blog, of late. my girl went awwwwwwwwwww every single time i told her about the emotional umbilical cord u n ur lil ones share :). thank u for many a fuzzy-emotional-tugging at heart-read.

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

@goofy mumma: thanks for understanding. And I really don't think it's practical for us to have a third child. In fact, I know it. This post was more a declaration of some very passionate, pent-up feelings.

@mister avant garde: thank you for delurking and welcome! Do get your girlfriend on board too, I would love to hear from her as well.

Monika,Ansh said...

Aww......& here I am with just one & feel exactly the same some days only to be given that stare by hubby dear.
Lovely post M4.

Mama - Mia said...

:)

i can still have one more! yay! yay! yay!

not teasing ya namesake! i know just what you mean! :)

how about planning to put in few hours in some chikldrens' home or prphanage and help them preserve their innocence or whatever is left of it, a little more!

i know its no replacement scheme, but just something else! :)

nahi piano sounds like a great idea! :)

hugs

abha

ess said...

Sure, they'll grow up. The world will change them. They'll become more jaded, less excitable. But the innocence never really goes away. You'll still get the odd spontaneous laugh, unexpected hug and mischievous gleam. And since you're their mamma, you'll get a ringside view to all of that. Yeah, and a piano will help re-direct the energy and frustration.

As a side note, don't hold on to them too tightly. Some girl will curse you for tying your sons to your apron strings, twenty-odd years down the line :-D

Still thinking said...

:)

I'll shut up next time :)

P.S: You once again just proved how different and original you are, while the whole world complains that two is more than enough (my sis included), you still want more. Happiness to this mom always...

dipali said...

Believe me, they are lovely even when they grow up! I feel so happy when my youngest drives us back from a movie. And each stage has its magic.
But I do not what you mean- be a devil, have another one (or two)!