I often crave a third child. Very often. Sometimes it's just a nice, pleasant fantasy that finds expression in a silly smile and a far-away look in my eyes. And at other times, it's a burning hunger that eats away at me in tiny bits and bites.
And it's not just because I so desperately want a girl. Yes, there is that. There's always that. But it's more because my little ones are growing into big ones. They're still innocent and adorable, but for how much longer?
How much longer can I shield them before the 'Real World ' treads upon their space and sucks them in? How much longer will that lovely laughter, that rings pure and free and unbridled; that's music to my soul; that makes me misty-eyed whenever I hear it; how much longer before it turns into controlled haha's? How much longer before the innocence that makes their perfect faces bloom with beauty and purity, fades, leaving behind imprints of street-smart, worldly-wise looks of "I-know-it-and-suffer-it-all"?
My EO's sensitivity fills my heart with a love so fierce, I can physically feel it, and it hurts. It feels like Shah Rukh Khan knocking the wind out of Saif Ali Khan's sails. And the YO's absolute joie de vivre has my heart bursting with joy like a display of fireworks in the 4th of July sky. The intensity of my love flares up, brightens, making me exclaim out loud in wonder. And then, just as suddenly my love and joy vanish, leaving me sad and a little "So that's it?" Because all this awe and marvelling, suddenly turn to fear as I am faced with the prospect of losing the brightness and beauty of my sons' childhoods.
I watch them take their steps towards tomorrow with pride. But there's so much sadness in that pride as well. It's such a delight watching them grow, but why the f*** is it so bloody hard as well? They're so eager to grow big and leave their toddlerhood and childhood behind. But I'm not. And, answer me this...will I ever be?
I want a third child because I am greedy. I want my life to be surrounded by innocence, purity, beauty and joy. And nothing embodies all these qualities more exquisitely than a child. Well, there's music, but that's a distant second (and this is an absolute music-buff who's saying so). But a baby, a toddler, a child...oh! Just thinking about one sends tingles of delight and happiness all over my body.
And there you have it. The honest truth. I want another baby. For selfish reasons. I want another baby because I hate that my babies are babies no more. I want another baby because I need to fill the gaps and missing spaces. I want another baby because I don't want the delights to ever end. I want another baby because I'm not ready to start missing their countless "I love you's" and sloppy kisses and no-reason-at-all-but-just-like-that hugs that come in a never-ending supply. I want another baby BECAUSE I simply do.
So excuse me folks, while I try to convince my husband to knock me up once again...
Or maybe it's just time I started taking piano lessons.