For some spontaneous reason, July has been turning out to be my 'Get Long Overdue Things Done' Month. Whether it was pending tasks, articles and blog posts, it just started happening that way. Very uncharacteristic of me since I am the world's biggest procrastinator. No, it's not a fancy name for a dinosaur. It just means that I'm a lazy bum.
Today I had planned, in my head, that I was going to write two more movie reviews as my post. But then I read this and I changed my mind.
Tharini's post today was like a mirror being held up to my face. The honesty part that is...not the awesome part. (With apologies to Abha who tagged me weeks ago, I am still having trouble locating my awesomeness...)
I have been doing a lot of introspection about my relationship with my boys lately and I've come to the conclusion that it needs to be and can be a whole lot better, a whole lot funner, a whole lot wholesomer.
When the EO was a baby, I was clued into every facial expression of his, every sound, every movement, EVERYTHING. That's because as a first-time mom, I was obsessive, possessive and fierce! And I wanted to do everything for him myself. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I kinda touched upon it in this post here, but really, you have no idea.
But here's the thing. I ENJOYED it. I was so into my baby bundle and the motherhood jazz was my favourite tune. I taught him rhymes, told him stories, played with him, took him with me wherever I went. Oh the bond we shared! The feeling is indescribable!
But, I didn't do the same for my YO. Call it the Second-child Syndrome, or the First-time Mommy Effect, but there are gaping holes in my mommyhood the second time round.
While my EO was bilingual from day 1 on this Earth, the YO is still more comfortable in Bengali. That's because he is around the ayah most of the time.
The EO's education -- nursery rhymes, the alphabet, numbers, you name it -- was more complete, because I had immersed myself into it with full enthu and gusto. With the YO it's been more of a laissez-faire attitude, "meh, he'll pick up as he goes along." And he has, but with little thanks to me.
Also, when it was just the EO and me, I hadn't gotten into working too much. Just the occasional write-up here and there. But now, I have more writing assignments (for which I am truly, truly grateful...Thank You, God, Thank You!!) and I have discovered the joys of blogging and Facebook. On top of that, for my birthday this year, the MIM gave me a BlackBerry. I am so addicted to my laptop that it's not even funny anymore.
Seriously. It's not.
And that's why I've decided to change.
Lately, my relationship with the EO seems to revolve around homework and unit tests. His childhood is crumbling before my very eyes and the other day he actually started crying and said, "Mamma, you don't let me play anymore!" I felt so terrible, so sad, so miserable. Drat these damned unit tests! Drat this school system! Drat the education board!
So, I've been putting my laptop away when my boys are around so that I can enjoy them. After all, they still enjoy me and my company and who knows for how much longer that will be? I have some special YO time reserved just for my little one and I know how much he cherishes it, how much he looks forward to it...and so do I!
I still have time to blog. My working is more paced (not all the time though, after all, I am the original procrastinator, am I not? I need to live up to that by letting my work pile up sometimes, right?) I have also discovered little pockets of me-time as well. So it's okay. It's all good.
It's just that I've realised that I don't just NEED to be in the moment, I WANT to be, and the only way I can allow that to happen is if I let it. Me. It all depends on me.
So here's to my attempts at being a better mommy. A journey I started a long time ago and which I intend to see right till the very end!