A Nightmare in London

"London Dreams." A misnomer if ever there was one. I mean, dreams are supposed to be pleasant, right? Well, this one soooooo wasn't! We actually saw this with friends last Friday and I'm still waking up shrieking as bits and pieces, feviquiked to my inner mind, suddenly pop out to haunt me!

That it was bad, you can probably get from my opening para, but just how wishing-for-a-migraine-attack-so-that-my-head-is-pleasantly-occupied bad, you can't even begin to fathom. Not even in your wildest nightmare, err, dream!

What made it so god-awful, well, 'let me count the ways'.

1. For starters, Ajay Devgn (no, that's not a typo, that's how he spells it now). Now don't get me wrong, I have no major issues with the guy. In fact, thanks to his portrayal of Bhagat Singh, I quite like the guy. But for some crazy reason, he's begun to think that he can pull off comedy. Yo! Jay! I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you can't! Not that this movie was a comedy, but I needed to get that out of the way.
   Here's the thing though, if you've been noticing his last few movies, it almost looks as if he's trying to reclaim his lost youth. This has to be said...Jay, you were too old for this movie. This role deserved a younger actor, and you, my friend, were so not it!
2. Which brings me to fogey #2, Salman Khan. Where do I begin? Yikes!! Crass, crude, ridiculous and, and..errrr...oh yes -- OLD!!
   What were the makers of this film thinking when they were handing out the parts? Yes, of course there was the mandatory shirt-taking-off scene and his body still looks pretty darned good, but the rest of the package? Bloated! Been hitting the bottle, my friend?
   I mean, come on, if you're gonna plan a "Rock On!" type of movie, at least get your band of brothers right!
3. Which in turn brings me to it being a pale, sad, pathetic shadow of "Rock On!" They tried so hard to copy from perfection and instead ended up massacring it, like a botched-up boob-job.
4. I mean, they even had a Farhan Akhtar look-a-like, frizzy hair and all. Now he was cute and all, and had I still been in school uniform I would have totally kissed his poster and all that, but baby-doll, a Farhan Akhtar you ain't!
5. The weaker-than-my-grandma's-punch story-line. Let's not even go there. It was the hastily done patch-up job to cover up the botched-up boob-job.
6. Asin. She's pretty. Pretty dumb. And that's how she came across. And Lolita-like relationships just make me really uncomfortable. I get all squeamish when they are forcefully inflicted upon me. And the recent Bollywood trend of pairing these uncle types with a fresh pair of boobs is really nauseating. You have Sanju baba (who should really be rechristened Sanju dadu) rolling around in the sand with a clearly desperate-for-any-role Lara Dutta in the recently made 'Blue', and in this movie you have AD and SK lusting after Asin. What's the matter guys? Overdoing the testosterone shots? Not getting any at home? Well whatever the reason, stop pawing these toddlers in mini-skirts! It's ugly!
7. And what's with the whipping?!?!?!?! DUDE!!!! I mean, seriously!! I mean WTF!! I mean DUDE!!!!!! That was soooooo a bad lift from "The DaVinci Code"! And it was so, so, soooo...DUDE!!!

You know, I can go on. But I don't want to nit-pick, because I can really go on forever!

This movie ranks on my "Top Ten Worst Big-Screen Disasters Ever" list at #2! Come to think of it, it may even rank somewhere on my list of "Top Ten Stupidest Mistakes I Ever Made"!!

Yes, good people, that bad. Only worse!