I saw ‘Brokeback Mountain’. Good movie. Definitely and without a doubt. Heath Ledger’s mumbling and muttering notwithstanding. However, I saw something in that movie which made it to my ‘things I wish I had never, EVER seen in my lifetime’ list. In fact, it gets top slot on my list. And I am talking about a mean list here. A list which has truck running over dog, The Bro puking on favorite sweater, The insides of EO’s foot as he sliced it open on a piece of glass and Chem teacher scratching his balls as top contenders on it. So what is it that I wish I had never ever seen? I wish I had never, ever seen Anne Hathaway’s breasts. This one is going to torment me for the rest of my life. Two round balls jangling over Jake Gyllenhal’s face as if she were a cow. A brief scene, but we get more than an eyeful nevertheless. Much, much more. Two much!
I mean come on, for heaven’s sake! We’re talking about the clutzy, adorable princess of the ‘Princess Diaries’ series. She somehow became enshrined in my mind forever as Mia. And then I saw this other super cute movie called ‘Ella Enchanted’. After that, I couldn’t imagine her in anything else besides sweet, adorable roles. Oh sweetness personified! She was born to do these roles. Ella, Mia, Anne…all one and the same person. These roles had to have been written with her in mind.
Okay, granted she’s an actress and that she needs to spread her wings and experiment with all sorts of roles, but can’t she experiment without shedding her clothes. I mean, COME ON!! Kissing and making out, yeah okay, if she absolutely must then why not. After all, didn't she get all slutty and tease-ey like in another all-time fave movie of mine? I'm talking about 'The Devil Wears Prada" and in it, there's this one scene where she takes off her top and shows off her sexy camisole to her boyfriend. Now that scene was darn cute! She was darn cute, the entire movie was gosh-darn-it cute! One of the rare cases where the movie was far superior to the book. Anyhoozee, as i was saying, Annie darling looked she had a grand ol' time kissing and going all smoochie-woochie. Which is okay, I can live with that. SHe can kiss all she wants, even use tongue if she simply has to. I promise I won't cringe. Buuuuut, having hot, sweaty sex. Hell no! And seeing her let it all hang out?!? God Almighty, nooooooooo! And she wanted to be a nun! Hah! That's right! Joining the convent was actually one of her career options! Pah hah hah!
That scene in "Brokeback Mountain" is as frightening as seeing a movie with Julie Andrews breasts jiggling about and horror of horrors, I believe that there is such a movie out there somewhere where she actually does indeed drop her top. I don’t ever want to see that movie, because if I do, I’ll have to pluck my eyes out with a spoon. Imagine. Our sweet, pristine Maria, who sings “My Favourite Things” with such conviction and to such perfection, that all her favourite things become your favourite things too, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, you have her topless! Actually, wait a minute. Don’t imagine that.
There has to be something ironic about this. Julie Andrews and her worthy successor, Anne Hathaway. Both radiating clutzy charm, sweetness and something so pure you can bask in it as it fills up your TV screen and reaches out and grabs you and envelops you in it from head to toe. Both who need to keep their boobs under layers and layers of clothes. And both who have horrified the prude in me so much, that I’ll probably carry this sense of horrification with me into my next life.
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