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Mother, writer and daydreamer. Also chocoholic and chick-flick lover. But mainly mommy. To two boys, at that! When not escorting my Elder One (EO) to karate class, I'm trying to get in as many cuddles as possible from my Younger One (YO). And when not doing either, I'm hard-at-work trying to maintain a steady relationship with my laptop. And as for the Man I Married (MIM), well, let’s just put it this way – even though we share a bedroom, our most meaningful conversations are held over the cell-phone!

Monday, March 1, 2010

One Wedding and A Funeral

My Baby Cousin got married less than a week ago. The wedding and all the ceremonies leading up to it were a combination of nerves, laughter, chaos, tears and fun.

Yes, I had fun, but, and I am ashamed to say this, not in the beginning. When my Mashi, Mesho and cousin sisters arrived from Delhi for the wedding, I was too full of angst and pain to let myself feel any fun. And then one day, I saw how much they were hurting too and for God's sake, it was my Baby Cousin's wedding. It was her day; her special day. These same people were ready to postpone the wedding indefinitely until we were ready to cope. My MaaJanoni, my brave, strong, greiving, hurting, family-loving mother said "Nothing doing! The wedding's happening and it's happening here!"

So yes, the wedding happened and it happened here in Kolkata. We were making the arrangements before DaddyDearest went in for surgery and after my family arrived, we continued with the preparations. There were many, many, oh-so-frickin-many moments when despair took over, but I grieved in private or with The Bro, away from the festivities.

Anyway, this is not what this post is about. It's about watching my Baby Cousin cry during her 'aashirwaad' ceremony after she was welcomed into the boy's family. The same girl who was so exxcited about finally getting married and who couldn't wait to start life as a married woman and who didn't sob during her 'bidaai', finally started crying as the car pulled away and then once again in the boy's home (The Bro, Baby Cousin's sis and I all accompanied her). Seeing her cry, her sister started sobbing and seeing the two of them weep, I started.

All this crying reminded me of my DaddyDearest's funeral, where, at one point, The Bro, MaaJanoni and I were doubled over in pain and crying as if our collective hearts were breaking.

Why all this crying? At the funeral as well as the wedding, besides the obvious reasons of sadness, albeit sadnesses of different kinds. Past regrets and moments we wished we could take back, swim in front of our eyes. Things we could have done differently, opportunities to say things left unsaid, moments of meanness and many what if's that seem to swarm our heads and cloud our eyes.


One thing that I know and which has been played out to me with such absolute force in these past five weeks, is that life goes on. Sad and Happy are a couple walking side by side, each having their moment to shine in the sun and when they shine, they can be pretty blinding.

This is something DaddyDearest believed in very strongly; and now he's making me live it.

It won't stop me missing him, though.


Passionate Goof said...

Indeed life does go on, and that's all we can remember, and in some ways always should.

Mystic Margarita said...

You'll never stop missing him, hon, but yes there will be laughter amidst the pain. Such is life. I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding.

dipali said...

Life has to go on. It does. It's inexorable. Even if it seems too cruel. The living have to live their lives anew.

Piper .. said...

Hugs.. Hugs and then some more..

Monika said...

loads and loads of hugs my dear life like u said has to go on

Trish said...

Awww Sweetie,you will never stop missing him..butyou will learn to smile thru your tears and you will getused to the suddenly choking up when you are laughing..
But life goes on..I am glad you enjoyed the wedding..:)
Big hugs!

Shachi said...

Oh very well written! Hugz.

Sagarika said...

Why do u say you miss him??? please don't.. we miss people who are far, whom we forget once we get involved in our mundane lives and remember only when a oh-so-empty moment arrives! As for your dad you carry him along with you, in your skin colour, in your eye twinkle, in the breath he gifted u x+9months ago.... so don't miss him.. he's stiull with you like always , the difference being till now he's carried you with him and now you carry him in you with you and around you.... we'll see him still .. through you....

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Thank you all. I love reading your makes me feel like I'm not alone and that is such a soothing feeling.

Thank you all. Really.