One month.

It's been one month, DaddyDearest, since you've been gone.

One month and there have been days when I felt like I was going to die from the pain; die by drowning in my tears; die of my heart exploding; die from the scream going on inside my head, my chest, my lungs and just not stopping.

One month and there have been moments, many moments when you gave me signs that you are ok. I have felt your presence in my life in ways that have awed me and comforted my soul.

One month and you have shown us so clearly, so perfectly that we must carry on and continue; that we must laugh and live.

One month, my beloved DaddyDearest, since you've been gone and it still hurts like hell...sometimes more.

One month, since my world has changed...forever.

One month ago...

today, Baba, you were sitting up in your hospital bed and having soup. Your first taste of 'food' in twelve days. Visiting hours were over; on special request they let us peek through the door as you had your first sip. You saw us, grinned and gave us a huge "thumbs up" sign.

That evening, I went back and made you your cup of tea. Tea. Your most favourite beverage in the world. You were so happy. You looked at me, yours eyes shining bright, and said, "Today is the best day!"

You said a lot of things to me that day, DaddyDearest. You talked about your experience of being shuttled from room to room through never-ending corridors. You said you were going to write about your entire hospital experience and had even thought of the title -- From Doom to Room.

It was the last time you were so chatty, Daddy.

Exactly one month ago, today.

What do I write about now, DaddyDearest? "From Room to Doom"?

Missing you something awful today, Baba...

Words that begin with D...

Dear DaddyDearest,

Devastated.
Depressed.
Doomed.
Desultory.
Despondent.
Dejected.
Disheartened.

Dead. So very DEAD inside.

This is how I'm feeling, my darling, DaddyDearest, without you here. We've entered a new month...the first without you here. So many of such painful firsts. It was my birthday on the 27th...the first without you here and I can safely say the WORST ever. The Bro is here and this was the first time you weren't there to pick him up. So many people you loved and haven't seen in years came over to the house for you...and for the first time ever, you were not there.

They say it gets easier, but right now it seems tougher. Unbearable. Every second of every day, my heart explodes anew.

Daddy. My favourite 'D' word. I miss you so. More than you ever thought possible.

Love forever and ever and ever,
Your devoted daugther