Of the different
degrees and shades of CSA that I faced, the part that has left the worst taste
in the mouth is that fact that all three of the perpetrators were known to the
family, known to me. And that is of course the most horrifying fact about CSA –
that in 50% of the cases, the victim has been abused by a person that s/he knew
and believed s/he could trust.
This was the
case with me.
I wrote about
the abuse I faced the very first year that CSAAM started. The problem that I
have now, is living with some peripheral memories – how does one survive those?
For example, the uncle who abused me was a great fan of Hindi film music of the
50’s and ‘60’s. At home, his radio would constantly be blaring out songs of
Manna De, Lata Mangeshkar, Mohd. Rafi, Asha Bhonsle and Mukesh. Songs from
movies like ‘Kashmir ki Kali’, ‘Teesri Manzil’, ‘Shagird’ and ‘Mere Sanam’. He
would talk constantly about the songs, the movies, the singers, music
directors, actors and actresses.
My love for the
songs of the Golden Age of Hindi film music comes from my abuser. And there is
a part of me that hates me intensely for it.
How does one
move past that?
I don’t know. I
wish I did. That is my struggle now. Not the memories of abuse...they are my
scars of horror. Not the forgiving of myself...because I KNOW it was NOT my
fault. Not the forgiving of my abusers...because I won’t and I don’t think I am
a bad person because of it.
My struggle is,
how can I love some of the things in my life that are so intrinsically linked
to my abuser?
I think this issue
of mine can also be linked to the greater debate of, “Can One Segregate an
Artist’s Crimes from his Art?” Can one look at a man’s art and regard it as an
entity separate from its creator? Is it
possible to separate the artist from his art?
There are many
men out there, well-known, brilliant men who have written brilliant books, made
brilliant movies, created brilliant music, but who are monsters with
unforgivable pasts. Lewis Carroll was rumoured to have a predilection for
little girls; it is a well-documented fact that he liked photographing them,
often in the nude. Many have suggested that his fondness for his muse for
‘Alice’ was far from normal...it was obsessive, perverted. Science-fiction
author, Arthur C Clark was said to have sexually molested young boys in Sri
Lanka. Then there’s Michael Jackson. Oscar winner Roman Polanski comes
immediately to mind. In more recent times, another Oscar winner’s name crops
up...Woody Allen.
Yes, I know some
of the above mentioned cases haven’t been established. Some are just very, VERY
strong rumours, with an air of “hush-hush but public knowledge” about them. But
they all make you wonder. After all, can there be any smoke without fire?
Yes, I know some
of the above mentioned cases haven’t been established. Some are just very, VERY
strong rumours, with an air of “hush-hush but public knowledge” about them. But
they all make you wonder. After all, can there be any smoke without fire?
And there are
more names. Unfortunately.
But...and it’s a
huge, BIG ‘BUT’, their work is lauded, celebrated...awarded. We all grew up
dancing to ‘Thriller’ and ‘Beat It’. Many of us have cried while watching ‘The
Pianist.’ Often, we find ourselves searching for rabbit holes to fall into, so
that we can discover our own Wonderlands. I wanted to take the next plane to Barcelona
after watching ‘Vicky, Christina and Barcelona.’ And ‘Midnight in Paris’ as
well as ‘Blue Jasmine’ are on my Must-Watch list.
But after
reading Dyaln Farrow’s letter...I don’t know. I just don’t know. Is Woody Allen
guilty? Again, I don’t know. But the letter...the details...the abuse. Cringe-worthy!
And so...I don’t know.
When a Michael
Jackson number comes up on my iPod, do I change it? No, I don’t. The songs are
uploaded by me, I haven’t even erased them. Just like I haven’t erased any old,
Hindi film songs from my iPod either. In fact, I keep adding to them.
And I desperately
want to see ‘Midnight in Paris’ and I just can’t stop hating myself a little
for it.
